Paraprosdokians

These are phrases (often used by comedians) where the second half doesn't go where the first half leads you to expect it will, leading you to reinterpret what was said in the first half. The Marx brothers were very fond of these e.g. Groucho Mark said "Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it." which leads you to believe he was complimenting the party he attended but turns (at the conjunction "but") into an insult about the soiree - the unexpectedness of it because it plays on a commonly used polite phrase is what is intended to create the humour and make it memorable.

I found this on facebook, so I've no idea who wrote or collected them. Some are better than others...

Paraprosdokians
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the
latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;
frequently humorous. 
 
 
1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 


  2.  The last thing I want to do is
hurt you. But it's still on my list. 


  3.  Since light travels faster than
sound, some people appear bright until you hear them
speak. 

  4.  If I agreed with
you, we'd both be wrong. 

 
5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in
public. 

  6.  War does not
determine who is right - only who is left. 


  7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is
a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 


  8.  To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 


  9.  I didn't say it was your fault, I
said I was blaming you. 

 
10.  In filling out an application, where it says, 'In
case of emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'. 


  11.  Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy  . 


  12.  You do not need a parachute to
skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 


  13.  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm
not so sure. 

  14.  To be
sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target. 

  15.  Going to
church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a mechanic. 

 
16.  You're never too old to learn something
stupid. 

  17. 
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting
harder
and harder for me to find one now. 

 

  
18. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.

19.
Do not argue with an idiot; he will
drag you down to his level and beat you with
experience.