A-Level Lang computer room lesson 28/6/16 commentaries

Wonderfulls,

I need to have discussions with everyone today about style models and investigations.

While I am doing that, please check that you understand the process of writing a commentary by writing one for one of the two pieces you wrote for homework (or an earlier written piece if you were not here). Pick the one that uses the most techniques from a style model.

In the real creative section of your coursework (that you are drafting over the summer), you should plan the piece and the commentary side-by-side so that you definitely use techniques from the style model actross a range of frameworks (see below). Your commentary must show how the style model used a technique and how you adapted that same technique for your content. You could also consider the drafting process e.g. the possible effects of choices you discarded and how/why your final choice was more effective.

Commentaries should allow you to make comments across a range of frameworks e.g. lexis (emotive, lexical field, metaphorical language etc.), discourse (ways of attracting and engaging the audience, use of discourse markers, fist/second/third person etc.), grammar (use of sentence mood, ellipsis, sentence fragments, abstract nouns etc.), phonology (alliteration/assonance/consonance, onomatopoeia, puns etc.) and other frameworks e.g. explore the pragmatic understanding needed for references you make, jargon you use etc. These are just examples and you should select the significant/clever/suitable techniques you used (as long as they cover a range of at least three frameworks).

 Tips:

•  Consider GRAPE in every paragraph, particularly during the explanation of the effect(s) of the style model's and your own piece's techniques (PEE) on your audience(s) – link to purpose(s) and how you have used the conventions of your form.

• Always use a quote (or multiple quotes to show patterns of use) but keep it as short as possible – sometimes one word is enough, if you explore the connotations, lexical field, implicature etc.
• Use as much detail as possible about the possible meanings created by the  techniques on the particular target audience or sub-audiences
• Show how techniques worked together to achieve purposes

• Refer to what you learned from your style model in every paragraph
• Consider how and why you make particular representations 
• Cover a range of frameworks but show how aspects from different frameworks work together

• Meet the word count (750 words) as closely as possible but don’t go over or under by more than 75 words (10%)

• Proofread for accurate, clear, concise writing and a clear structure that guides the reader

Basic paragraph structure (double PEE!):

POINT say what effective technique the style model writer used and how it might have affected the target audience

EVIDENCE quote or give an example – keep it as short as possible (sometimes one word will do)

EXPLANATION explore the techniques in the quote, looking at exactly how they make meaning for the audience in that context (e.g. because of what the audience knows, because of what was said earlier, because of what is expected in that text type, other GRAPE aspect etc.)

LINKING POINT say how that led to a decision that you made in your writing

EVIDENCE quote (or multiple quotes to show a pattern of use) or give an example – keep it as short as possible (sometimes one word will do but sometimes you need to show how a single technique e.g. the use of the second person pronoun works in a longer quote to explore its effect properly)

EXPLANATION explore the techniques in the quote, looking at exactly how they make meaning for the audience in that context (e.g. because of what the audience knows, because of what was said earlier, because of what is expected in that text type etc.). Be tentative. Link back to and contrast with the style model.

Good example:
 In Popular Mechanics, Carver uses words from the lexical field of dirt to show that  the relationship between the couple has got worse. The "snow" turns to "dirty water"; the pre-modifying adjective has connotations that the pure snow has become disappointing and disgusting. Carver also uses "streaks", "slushed" and "dark" to continue this lexical field and indicate that everything is in the same state, including the people. This is a use of pathetic fallacy where the environment of filth reflects the characters' lack of pure morality. I chose to create pathetic fallacy in a similar way with a lexical field of electricity. The "lightning" that arcs across the sky and the noun in "the shock she felt" are used to give a sense of my main character's jumpy behaviour and the lexical field is evident in those choices and in "charged" and "current" to hopefully give a sense of anticipation and curiosity about why she is so nervous/excited and cause sophisticated readers to wonder what is going to happen in the same way that Carver creates a sense of doom with his lexical field because his characters' world is descending into dirt and darkness.

Aspirational example:

In Popular Mechanics, Carver uses words from the lexical field of dirt, perhaps to show how the relationship between the couple has become tarnished so that the reader is prepared to judge the conflict that follows as a result of neglect and treat this as a cautionary tale. The lexical choice of the noun "snow" with its pristine connotations of purity, bright whiteness etc. is juxtaposed with the adjective "dirty" to show how the environment is getting tarnished. This is then followed by "streaks", "slushed"  and "dark on the inside" where it becomes clear that the dirt outside is meant to be pathetic fallacy symbolising the darkness of the couple's hearts. In my own story, I used pathetic fallacy in a similar way by using the lexical field of electricity to create a sense of the protagonist's frenetic mindset. The "lightning" that arcs across the sky is described in a short sentence to add to the sense of freneticism and pace. The noun in "the shock she felt" is used metaphorically but the literal sense is created too in her jumpy behaviour and in the context of the lexical field that is evident in those choices and in "charged" and "current". The semantic field is used to create a sense of danger and even allude to Frankenstein in the change that is about to happen to her. This should play on the sophisticated audience's pragmatic understanding of other texts and enhance their sense of anticipation and curiosity about what is going to happen in the same way that Carver creates a sense of doom with his lexical field because their world is descending into darkness.